Production Blog

May 8, 2006

Keef Bartkus, Editor:

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May 3, 2006

R. Emmett Sibley, Production Assistant:
Everyone is always asking us to talk about the episode or Matt and Trey. The episode is about Cartman, it’s funny. My racquetball game with Trey got cancelled; I guess I’ll just have to see him on the back 9 this weekend.

Anyway, let's talk about THE WEIGHT LOSS CHALLENGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9 weeks ago 25 people entered a challenge where the person with highest percentage of weight lost would be the victor. 25 heard its sweet song, signed their name in blood and put in a modest $50 entry fee. Trey upon hearing of this mighty challenge put in $4000 dollars to be divided up as follows:
65% to 1st
25% to 2nd
10% to 3rd

Today, May 2nd was the weigh in. What we found out quickly is that Scranton, PA / NEPA (North Eastern Pennsylvania) would be representing. Tim ( former PA and Anne Garefino’s Assistant) and I grew up in and around Scranton, PA. We went to High School (Scranton Preparatory School) together and were in the super band �"My Stone Monkey Empire.” What people should realize when entering such a challenge with two NEPA boys, WE’RE FUCKING CRAZY. In Scranton your life is a series of dares, booze and the Pennsylvania Polka which incidentally �"Started in Scranton and is now #1.” #1 BITCHES! We were fueled only on a fixed diet, exercise and competition.

1st Place: Tim Calpin 48.6 lbs / 23%
2nd Place: R. Emmett Sibley 50.2 lbs / 19.31%
3rd Place: David List 33.6 lbs/ 18.43%

3rd place David List was a worthy opponent to say the least. The last time weight was lost like this, World War 2 broke out. People began to think D-List was crazy, maybe even NEPA CRAZY. �"How crazy?” you ask, so crazy that D-List went to his gym this morning to steam some weight out. He ended up blacking out twice in front of Balley’s. People were so scared that they started to call 911. List unfazed looked at his wife and screamed �"Get the car Honey, I need to weigh in.”


Before Dinner, the crew gathered round so that Trey could announce the winners and present us with our prizes. When Tim went up to accept his prize of over $3500, Trey offered a new challenge. Tim could take his money or elect to choose whatever was in a mystery box. Everyone started screaming and yelling. In the ballZest move I have ever seen, Tim picked the box, THE BOX! HE ROLLED THE DICE ON $3500! He looked inside ever so slowly and saw that he had just doubled his money! Matt and Trey put double the money in the box! DOUBLED HIS MONEY! I congratulate you Tim, job well done.



Now this is what you have to know, out of the top 6 winning spots, 5 of them were PAs. PAs here at South Park love to win. Pain does not exist in our Dojo. Nate, Kevin and Erin have all lost weight and look better than ever. So good in fact I might have to hire Tane Pellowitz attorney at law to represent me in a sexual harassment lawsuit. �"YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE WORN THOSE PANTS KEVIN, YOU WERE BEGGING FOR IT. I AM A MAN FULL OF LUST AND NEEDS”

At the end of the day 1st 2nd and 3rd place really doesn’t matter as much as the fact that the combined weight loss of the crew was 385lbs. Everyone looks and feels healthier except Junichi. Jun please eat some vegetables. It’s been a great run, see you next season, enjoy some before and after pictures.

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May 2, 2006

Keith Nesson, EIEIO:
So its blog-time for all of you out there in Cartman-land. Those magical hours when you sit up and wonder - “What are the South Park PA's doing now?”, or “I wonder if the South Park PA's had a hard time with Enrique tonight?” or....”Did the South Park PA's get stuck in traffic on their way to pick up that really important something?”

Well hold the presses kids .... There's a new blogger in town and his name is Keith and he isn't a PA.

I'm the EIEIO ... don't worry it took me a month before I could remember what it stands for too. But for those of you deciphering the credits (which are getting smaller and smaller and harder to read all the time), I'm the “E-Mail Internet Electronic Information Officer” -- that's right, the assistant Geek, Bit-Wrangler, Render-Roper...and close personal friend of the PA's.

For you, o faithful reader, you are aware that this run the PA's have been loquacious in their prose describing the foibles and quirks of all the life-forms that coalesce together, jellyfish-like, to create “South Park”. With that in mind, we now turn the mirror back on our heroes.

Kevin Jakubowski: The Professor Xavier of the group. Quiet, cunning and talented with a keen eye for setting the common man up in orbits that collide and ricochet for his own personal amusement. Kevin is soon to be the next bigger-than-big power force in Hollywood. When you confront him about his plans for total creative domination of the Industry, he simply looks down. laughs, and denies all. He is the “he who shall be obeyed”. I am a brave man but even I will not cross him �" in fact I will be the first in line to wax his cars and be his faithful servant.

Tim Calpin: Quiet, too quiet at times ... with the inner strength and soulless bravado of Lucky Luciano in a bad mood. Tim has thrown down with Kevin and their power increases exponentially day, by day. By himself Tim is a creative force to be reckoned with...combined with Mr. Jakubowski, they wield more power than Joel Silver and James Cameron in a lightning storm. Be aware, be afraid, be warned.

Erin Kurtz: We can get the obvious out of the way �" brains (lots) and beauty (of course). Erin is the moral compass of the PA's....for it is a wise man (or woman) who knows how to bend in the breeze, to smile and not speak, and then to strike with irresistible force. Erin is the go-to person in the team. She is the one you want covering your back and the person you know who will not drive off in the getaway car at the first sign of trouble. Her family has relocated to Texas so we are all extremely nice to Erin because we know she is packing heat.

Rob Sibley: If Kevin is Professor Xavier then Rob is the Beast...a truly unstoppable force �" except behind the wheel of a car. Rob possesses an encyclopedic knowledge of film as befitting someone with a Master's Degree in the topic. He is one of those people who you can spend hour upon hour with tossing off the odd and arcane quote from some long-forgotten film and not only will he know the reference...but he has likely seen the subject you are talking about. Rob is also destined for greatness here in Lotus-land �" the only question is will his talents and skills in story-telling result in the next “Citizen Kane”, or will his equally detailed knowledge of that “other” film Industry in the San Fernando Valley result in the creation of “Citizen Kane and the Twelve Cheerleaders”?

Nate P: I did not spell out Nate's last name because, frankly, it is long and I will never get it right. Nate is actually from my old country �" New Hampshire. We share our mutual love for all things cold and freezing and humid and sticky. Namely �" we like New England as a concept rather than a place to be. While all the PA's are college graduates of some very highly regarded institutions and all are clever, social and quite literate �" Nate smoke's his intellect by using only two words -- “No Problem”. This is a phrase that can best be shown by example: “Nate, we need to get two tapes of an obscure Namibian TV show from the local agent's house in Winnetka in time for Trey to get it before he takes off in an hour for Iceland”. Now this is a simple time-space-distance problem: We are in Marina del Rey and Winnetka is on the other side of the State. Physics alone dictates that there is no way, even with a helicopter, you are getting to the Producer, grabbing the tape and getting back before Trey jumps in the G5 to Reykjavik. But Nate's response will be, “no problem”, and somehow, quantum theory be dammed, it happens.

So thats the PA team �" as great a bunch of people as you are ever likely to meet or have the chance to work with. And, if you are wealthy enough, lucky enough and know where to look �" you too can be part of the PA Team.

QED

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April 25, 2006

Kevin Jakubowski , Production Assistant:
As is the custom of many subcultures, we here at South Park communicate in a certain dialect, a South Park vernacular if you will. It’s a strange and often ridiculously dorky method of expression, similar to the inside jokes and sayings you probably had in middle school. Since I don’t have anything really cool to write about tonight I figured I might let the fans in on some of our favorite South Park-isms, ones that are only appreciated here at the middle school for adults, The South Park Studios.

“Natch”: An annoying way to say “naturally”. As in, will PA Nate say “natch” at the end of 90% of his conversations today? … “Natch”.

“U-Penn”: The name of some guy that went to U-Penn that smokes cigarettes outside our building.

“D-bag”: Short for douche bag. As in, “Did you see U-Penn in the parking lot? What a D-Bag.”

“Hiatus”: The time off from South Park when animator Junichi goes back to Japan for two months and the rest of us go to The Cozy, a posh bar in Culver Rock City.

“Angry Town”: A playful take on “Mad City” the name of the company that does South Park’s music composing. Aren’t those PA’s witty!

“Slowbly”: As in PA Rob Sibley. As in, he drives like your dead grandma.

“FDB”: Front Desk Bitch. The PA stuck working at the front desk on a particular day.

“Ass to Ass”: A pleasant way to express excitement while referencing “Requiem for a Dream”. As in, “Wait, there’s no writers’ meeting today? Ass to ass!”

“NOGAFF”: Some guy we all knew in college. That dude could party. His name comes up a lot.

“Wicked D”: Short for “wicked duce”, the term PA Rob uses to announce his need for bathroom reading material. As in, “Who’s seen the Onion, I’m taking a wicked D”.

“On 40”: This means that there is a call holding on line number 40. Although the PA’s have over twenty lines to hold calls on, this is the only line we ever use, thus making our job much easier.

“Listen Up”: The phrase used when someone is tired of working at the front desk and decides to take a break from the phones. As in, “Listen up, you D-Bags, I’m taking a wicked D.”

“Lotus”: A Chinese restaurant where you go to get Trey orange chicken and your soul goes to die.

“Nate Night”: Tuesday nights before the show airs when Nate is working. There’s magic in the air on Nate Nights. Enough magic to make a fifteen-minute video blog in fact.

“Dot Com”: (Sung to the tune of the Expedia commercials) This is the phrase used whenever things get too technical, which happens a lot around JJ and Keith, our resident computer gurus.

“Creamer”: Liquid pain to a PA. The fridge never has enough and when crewmembers don’t have their fat free peppermint mocha butterscotch no sugar Coffee Mate, look out.

“Syndicate Girls”: Hot girls that work at the Syndicate (our color correction company) who pretend they don’t know us when we hit on them in bars in Santa Monica.

“The Russians”: Two crazy Russians (possibly spies) that walk around our parking lot smoking cigarettes. One of them has a mullet and may be in cahoots with U-Penn.

“K-Dub”: The name of some chick Nate wants to go on Internet dates with.

“PA Parking Ticket”: If you park in a reserved South Park space and don’t work at South Park the PA’s will place an autographed South Park picture on your windshield that reads “Park here again and we will hit you in the mouth. Love Matt and Trey.”

“Group”: A group of crewmembers are gathered up every Tuesday night to take direction from Matt in the audio booth and deliver background tracks such as cheering or yelling “Mr. President!”. Group is great for staying awake and for telling your parents you are an integral part of the show.

“The Missing Link”: The receptionist that works at one of our various vendor offices. She may or may not be a cave woman. Allegedly, PA Rob secured employment at South Park by getting a close up picture of her with his camera phone.

“Wacky Box”: A box that we like to kick when we get mad. It’s wacky.

“Retakes”: When Producer Frank says this magic phrase over the paging system that means everyone important gathers in Keef’s editing room to watch the show. That gives everyone else at least twenty minutes to screw off.

“One Trip McGee”: The name of the new high tech PA dolly. It might be able to lift a small car and PA Erin can’t take her eyes off him.

Wow, that just killed a couple late night hours. I hope everybody enjoys the new show. Tune in next week for the final results of the weight loss challenge and a blog about PA Rob’s Italian personal trainer, Giancarlo "Cheeseburger" Ambrosini.

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April 18, 2006

Erin Kurtz, Production Assistant:
The whole crew here at South Park is in pretty good spirits for late on a Tuesday night. Why you ask? Could it be the brand new jellybean machine? Or the recent delivery of fresh snacks to the break room or the good cheer that Mark Munley’s smile spreads into every corner of this office? While all of the aforementioned items undoubtedly contribute to a pleasant, productive crew �" everyone is happy because we were lucky enough to have Easter Sunday off. A day off in the middle of the run is HUGE here, especially when you don’t have to spend 8 hours of it catching up on sleep.

This week’s episode is an episode that was started at the beginning of the run. It was partially completed and then put on hold until after the resolution of the “Cartoon Wars”. However, the episode has gone through some major revisions and the story has taken a decidedly different turn in the past few days. Those PA hours spent hunting down obscure television documentaries or the time spent on the phone with the staff at Harpo Productions (who, while nice, are not helpful at all) may not contribute to the final episode that airs, but it is all an important part of the process. The one constant is that the episode is all about Towlie and it is hilarious. Is it a coincidence that the episode will air the day before 4-20 (and the second airing will be on 4-20)? Who can say for sure? Watch the episode yourself�" you be the judge.

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April 11, 2006

Nate Pellettieri, Production Assistant:
As Michael Ironsides once said in the epic struggle between good and evil that was Starship Troopers, “Never pass up a good thing.” The PA's try to live by this motto and that is why when a photographer showed up on Thursday we were ready to spring into action. I could go on and on about why we had several models being photographed, but then you'd know everything about the show before it aired. And really, what's the fun in that?

Instead I will tell you that it got pretty hectic here. PA Erin rose to the challenge and became our makeup stylist for the day. I was asked to make a snowball in less then 30 seconds (for the record I did and we didn't use it). There was even one model that actually left her bra behind (we think she had a crush on our very own Eric S.). In the midst of this chaotic scene the PA's kept their cool and looked for our “good thing”.

There was a short break between models and like a well oiled team, Assistant Tim, PA Erin, and I swept in and got the photographer to take a couple of pictures of us. We like to call this our “Ode to High school Yearbooks...”

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April 4, 2006

Nate Pellettieri, Production Assistant:
First off let me give you an update on the 2006 Weight Loss Challenge. We’re at the halfway point and the competition is heating up. Assistant Tim is leading the charge by dropping close to 30lbs to give him a body weight percentage loss of 13.44%. Not to be outdone our own Adonis, D. List, is sitting in second place with a loss of 12.80%. Rounding out third is a virtual tie between PA’s Nate, Erin, Rob and Kevin. Once again, the PA’s motto of “Go Big or Go Home,” rings true. We still have one month left however, and tons of catered food and snacks to get through. So really, it’s anybody’s game.

Now on to some business: We’re almost at the mid-point of the run. This means that the new people are starting to cry, and that the veterans are getting angry. I guess it’s not really fair to say angry- since no one gets pissed or anything - It’s just that things start to get on peoples nerves. Little things that we normally overlook become a real hurdle in office relationships. Things like someone leaving the cheese out of the refrigerator, or finding the toilet seat up in the men’s room… again! People quickly start to forget all of the positive things they share, and instead start to focus on the negative things.

Take for instance the war between the PA’s. Normally were a tight-nit bunch, like Zack, Slater, Screech, and that naked chick from Showgirls. The problem is, by now we’re all starting to act like members of Oasis. So, when PA Rob doesn’t answer his cell phone, we get annoyed. When “Front Desk Kevin” complains about sitting at the front desk, we get irritated. When PA Erin refuses to let anyone else deliver packages to Eric S, we get incensed. And of course when I (PA Nate) answer every question with “Don’t worry about it,” I can only assume it infuriates the rest of the PA’s.

What’s worse is how we choose to deal with these annoyances. Instead of talking it over like civilized people we decide to do the opposite and fall back on our primate urge of throwing feces. Things can actually get quite messy. But once everyone has calmed down and PA Rob has finally taken a shower, we’re all back at the bar on Saturday night having the time of our lives- minus Rob of course.

By the end of the season we’ll all be looking back on these things with fond memories and wondering why we ever got upset. After all, it’s important to remember that we like what we do and we know were lucky to be doing it. We get to work on the best show on TV. This week’s episode actually makes me proud to have my name in the credits �" even if the episode forced me to obtain an unlisted phone number and move to a safe house.

Just watch the show �" you’ll understand.

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March 28, 2006

R. Emmett Sibley, Production Assistant:
It’s Tuesday again and we are here at South Park making “magic.” Computers are purring, a man with an English accent is making us coffee, and Rueben the security guard is keeping the thousands of sex crazed groupies waiting out front. Rueben only has one rule, “You got to show, to go.”

As of midnight we are 90 shots out. If I knew what the really meant, I could afford a mid size car or maybe even a hybrid. I’ll stop talking like that because I hear my Sentra (aka “Jersey High School“) crying in the parking lot. If I have to listen to that car bitch the entire ride home at what will probably be 5 in the morning, I will go insane. I am a great writer because I have effortlessly brought up the hybrid, which is the focal point of this weeks episode. However, you’ll see soon enough and I will lose my job if I talk about the episode any further before it airs. So instead:

Tonight I will talk about 3 fun things:

1. The Razor Scooter
It’s fun, it’s fast and it makes you feel and look like you’re 10 years old. We got one at the beginning of the run. Soon we had two. One is Blue. The other is Red. Obviously, they will mate and we will have up to 5 scooters barring inbreeding. Then maybe we will have 12 but you can tell “they just ain’t right”. I can get from the front of the office to the back of the office in record time. What is record time? I don’t have a stopwatch so I don’t know but it’s faster then walking.

2. Lazer Tag
Although Lazer Tag only comes out during the off-season, it is an important part of life here at South Park. We have a large armory that consists of machine guns, rocket launchers, small arms and handguns. We run around the building playing “Battle of the Bulge 2006: The French vs. Kuwait” with strategies, marksmanship, and integrity. Sure we’re a bunch of guys in our late twenties/mid to late thirties but we are not Virgins…so it’s ok.

3. Dice
When PA’s have a beef, we dice. Maybe you don’t want to go on a run, maybe it’s about leaving early, maybe it’s about who gets something for free. When the dice roll they are judge, jury and executioner all in one. High number wins and let me tell you Big Rob Sibley gotz some hot hands. Yeah if we were cool, we’d “roll” for cash, women or drugs but we are not…so we don’t. It’s more for use when you don’t want to drive to Hollywood to pick up a copy of the Mighty Ducks 3 or “D3” to those in the know.

That’s it unless you want to hear about PA Kevin shaving his beard…He shaved it. He looks like he’s twelve, so………….

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March 21, 2006

Kevin Jakubowski , Production Assistant:
The workforce here at South Park is fueled by an incessant, uncompromising desire to gamble. Forget Vegas, if you’re looking to throw some money down, eat free food and witness weekly magic (yeah!), then look no further than the South Park Studios. Money changes hands here faster than a Scorsese flick.

You got an extra twenty bucks in your pocket? Lay it down on today’s arm wrestling tournament (PA’s- 3 to 1 odds over story board). Want to roll a little dice? Step up to the front desk where there’s always a hot game in progress. Nothing is too big or too miniscule to put money on. Will assistant Tim Calpin wear his red Adidas track jacket tomorrow or his blue Adidas track jacket? Dozens of bets have already been placed. And these are just some of the friendly wagers, once Matt and Trey get in on the action things really heat up.

This brings us to the “South Park Weight Loss Challenge”. Brought on by the popularity of the “McRib Challenge” and the fact that Matt and Trey seem to inherently enjoy the demise of others, the “Weight Loss Challenge” was introduced this season. This contest pits employee against employee as they vie for the four thousand dollars offered by the co-creators to whoever loses the most weight by the end of April. “Dance!” Trey Parker yells. “Dance as I wave my money before you!”

Right now it’s a tight race. I don’t need to lose any weight but God knows I could use the four grand. Maybe I just won’t eat until April, pass out, fall down the stairs and sue the place blind. Or maybe I’ll head upstairs, have another taco and figure out the over/under of finishing this show by dawn.

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March 20, 2006

Nate Pellettieri, Production Assistant:

The South Park McRib Challenge

As some of you know, I was offered a cool thousand dollars to do the near impossible at last year’s South Park Xmas party: eat 6 McRib sandwiches and drink one eggnog and one peppermint mocha in half an hour. I’m glad to tell you all that I succeeded.

What follows is a rough account of what happened to me that night. I’m neither proud nor excited about reliving these events. I’ve tried hard to forget this over our hiatus and it pains me to revisit any of it. But here goes…

Beverly Hills has no McDonalds. This is a hard fact to accept and the main reason why we showed up over an hour late. However, my fellow PA’s did their best to keep me calm and in a Zen like state. PA Rob kept repeating, “Don’t think you can, KNOW YOU CAN” over and over. This seemed to help and after a week of training (including eating massive amounts of grapes and six meals a day) I just wanted to get there and finish it.

We walked into the party and came face to face with a large group of people who had been at an open bar for over an hour. There was yelling… lots and lots of yelling. For some reason this reminded me of a boxer walking out of the locker room and into the ring. I even had the rest of the PA’s behind me, hands on my shoulders. Trey stood up and started yelling something about how we are all a family and that this is what families do at Christmas. They make one member force feed himself for money, while the rest of the family gets drunk and swears at him. Meanwhile, PA Kevin and PA Erin were putting the sweatbands and bib they purchased on me. I looked like a fool… a fool with a mission.

Now at this point Trey decided that since I was over an hour late, he would make my time limit twenty minutes. This seems harsh, but it really was nothing to me as PA Rob had been training me to complete this task with time left over. He wanted me not just to win, but to win with time left on the clock. That way I could sit back and stare down Trey when I finished. There was nothing left to do but start eating.

My strategy was simple enough, double up the meat on three sandwiches and then squeeze in the remaining buns. I don't remember very clearly what happened when I was eating. I remember I ate fast and hard. I remember that bbq sauce, eggnog and mocha don’t mix well. I remember people were screaming both positive and negative things. I remember that PA Rob wouldn’t stop yelling in my ear. I also remember that once I got the Eggnog latte down I was about half way there. And, I remember when I finished the third double meat sandwich that I was in serious trouble.







The last three rolls were the hardest part. I squeezed them into tubes and soaked them in the peppermint latte so that they'd slide down a bit easier. It worked, but halfway through the last one is when I had to start swallowing back my own puke. My stomach had simply gotten too full. Luckily, I had PA Rob behind me yelling, “It's not puke! It’s just food that you haven’t swallowed. It hasn’t even been in your stomach yet! SWALLOW IT!!!” I don't know why, but at the time Rob's words made perfect sense to me.






I choked back the puke and got it all in. Only to start puking it back up again. This is when Trey ran into the middle and yelled, “It's done. He's done it! And I’m going to give him $2000! ”





Someone held my arms up in victory and I concentrated on not puking (I wanted to puke real bad). People were cheering and yelling and then Matt’s voice came in… “And I’m going to double it!” PA’s Kevin and Rob were now screaming things at me about four thousand dollars, and all I wanted to do was just puke and lie down for a while. They dragged me into a quite corner and explained to me that I needed to hold down the vomit for 45 min to get the full $4000.





Then they handed me a bucket and I started pacing. Luckily enough everyone left me alone and I was able to pace back and forth with my chin held tight to my chest just choking it back. I should remind you that we’re in a swank Hollywood bar and I’m walking around in my bbq and pickle covered t-shirt and bib, holding a puke bucket. Welcome to the South Park Christmas Party…




At the end of 45 min Trey yelled something about me being able to puke and I sprinted to the bathroom. This was by far the worst part. UNBELIEVABLE amounts of vile liquid flew from my mouth. Followed by the sweetest feeling of release I’ve ever had. After about ten or so heaves, I had completely emptied my stomach. So, I cleaned up, brushed my teeth, changed my clothes, took the Jack and Coke PA Kevin handed to me and headed back out the party.

Was it worth it? For $4000… Hell Yes! For $1000 like it was originally, not a chance. Granted I do have the satisfaction of actually finishing it. But that comes with the price of gaining twenty pounds in a week and feeling like a cheap whore. Would I do it again? No f%#@ing way! It’s not worth the training, effort, dedication, puking, weight gain, cold sweats, shortness of breath, and numbness in my left arm. Once is enough.




Now taking part in The 2006 South Park Weight Loss Challenge… That’s a different story. After all I’m twenty pounds overweight. But I’ll let someone else tell you about that.

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